To Write or Not to Write

To write or not to write has been a question that comes to me only when I am not writing. Usually, I am in the active phase of self-doubt and depression.  "I’m worthless" is my favorite statement to myself. I subject my friends to my self-doubt and harass them to help me restore my confidence in myself and my writing. Yet, in my favorite book, Revelations: Diaries of Women, I learned that all women writers are unsure of themselves.  (Revelations: Diaries of Women, Random House, 1974, hardback. Knopf-Doubleday Publishers, 1975, paperback)  When I need a lift and encouragement from past writers, this is my go-to book, the pulse in my heart behind my writing. I learn so much from these women. How could any of them have felt insecure about their writing? Their words teach me to think like a writer. First, you have to believe you are  a writer. 

 I have known Barbara and Cathy since 2010, when we all took a writing class together at the Life Enrichment Center. (The Life Enrichment Center still offers excellent classes in Creative Writing, Poetry as well as in many other areas.  LECtampa.org) In our class in 2010-2012 Cathy and Barbara amazed me. The stories these women had to tell! I was astounded by the beauty of their words, their tragedies, their joys, their incredible journeys, their descriptions and their insights. After the LEC class was over we were adrift. Their lives were filled with work, illnesses, family, COVID, and commitments to others. So much blocked our goal of writing. 

In March, I  had the privilege of being invited to a writer’s group Barbara was forming. The goal of the group was to encourage all of us to jumpstart our writing. Barbara and Cathy had been in that stagnant stage of not writing for years. Thankfully, Barbara took the bull by the horns and got us together. Barbara’s home is a perfect place to write, bursting with beauty, art, unusual items from Barbara’s homes and travels all over the world and lots of happy plants.

At first, we were all hesitant to write, even though we were familiar with one another’s words and lives. We were not sure of how to proceed or how much each of us felt comfortable sharing. Barbara developed a routine for us. First, we have snacks.  As we have our meal we talk about the past week, sharing stories and events. Then, we meditate for ten minutes, listening to the chimes in Barbara’s garden window. 

  Throughout the evening we drink wine, sometimes many glasses, depending on what we are writing or painfully sharing  that night.  We all write for twenty minutes based on a prompt we have agreed on. Lately, twenty minutes is not enough. Oh, how we write!

  Our first night was successful. We decided to name our group the Writing Table, in honor of the beautiful table in Barbara’s bungalow, around which we scribble our hearts out. When we read our work I am always amazed at the thoughts that coalesce around our Writing Table. Sometimes we share similar insights. Most times, they are different, which provides us with new perspectives into one another and ourselves. I am astounded by the way this lit match launched the rocket of our combined desire to write. We have taken off, illuminating the skies of our imaginations and the darkness of our fears. 

To emphasize Barbara and Cathy’s talent,  I am including words from my fellow writers responding to the prompt: ‘I write because…’  

Barbara: “I’m writing after nine years and started a writing group and it’s attracted a few folks that feel the same way I do. So, Yay! Okay, I do have evidence that I can follow through on my desires. Let’s not go nine years between, I tell myself. I have three stories going. Hooray again! What else is nagging at me is what I really want to do. Well, living for one.”

Cathy: “I write because I’ve always felt there was a story brewing underneath the superficial way I present myself to the world; the known and unknown adventures or misadventures of my life. Many things and adventures I have done were kind of crazy but I survived and lived to tell the story. I know if I really sit down and start analyzing different stories of my life there will still be many stories to tell.”

Jayne:  “The main reason I write is because I am compelled to do so. Writing brings joy and happiness to my life. I have value when I’m writing. When I am not writing I am always thinking about writing, usually in chastising terms. ‘Why am I not writing? What’s wrong with me? Do I have nothing else to say? Am I done?’ Eventually I come to my senses and stop attacking myself. Then, I realize, okay, when I’m not writing this is a resting time. I am gathering facts. I am preparing for my next project. I am dreaming. Finally, when I am ready, I get back to writing.”

At our first meeting I tried to push for our writing group to be called “The Writer’s Table.” My suggestion was met with silence. I finally realized the reason. These women didn’t yet consider themselves writers. They didn’t feel they had the talent, the will or the words to be called writers. I am happy to report that they now not only have the will, they have the words, the messages, the memories and the spark to continue writing. Be it the middle of the night when thoughts push them to their journals or writer’s desks, at a chance free minute at work, or at our Monday meetings, these women are finally calling themselves writers. To date, we have each started writing that book we always meant to write, and now are.  In only five months we have graduated from scattered thoughts to well-thought out stories.

I think it’s time to change our name from The Writing Table to The Writer’s Table. After all,  isn’t that what we writers do?  Yes, our choice is to write, to validate our existences.